Rare Confession #5

How do you explain to someone that you've never actually been asked out or on a date? I'll be 30 in a few years and I'm still roaming this earth without a companion. I feel like 25+ years is ample time to find a mate or am I wrong. 

I figured at first that if I actively sought out this person we'd eventually meet in the middle. When that didn't work out I changed my strategy to defense and it hasn't changed since. You have the age old story, you love someone, they don't love you, your heart gets broken, you're sad for a long time. Well, I got happy a long time ago. I became very content with the person I'd became and the goals I hoped to achieve. I said my person will suddenly appear out of the blue and it will be a fairy tale ending. Still no fireworks. 

So do you mind if I tell you about my experiences with love for a moment? Okay good.....

In elementary, I thought liked (loved) someone meant you showed it through the things you bought a person. So one year I finally found someone I liked, went out and got her valentine's gifts. The card, the candy, the bear... the usual fair. I remember the look on her face when I gave her all of these things, it was a mix of surprise, disgust, pity, and a lot of confusion. Yes, I had talked to her before, but I guess it was never in a way that suggested I had feelings for her. So, I was very sad for a while after that day. I overheard her with friends and who I could only presume was actually the guy she liked trashing my gifts later that day. Kids can be cruel, but only when you're not in on the joke, mostly when you are the joke. I got past it, it was puppy love back then and she was out of my league. My league is really just me and my thoughts. 

I made it to middle school......

Some people say high school is the worst, but middle school is like this 3-year foreshadowing of just how bad it will be. If you listen closely you'll hear your dreams start to shrivel and die. Middle school was a time to experiment and push my personal limits. I was a teenager now and hormones were beginning to take over. I would have taken a kiss from anyone at that time, yet I never got even a peck on the cheek. Damn acne! 

I was either a third wheel or a fifth wheel to my two best friends double dating with their many girlfriends. They would say things like, "you're lucky, you don't have a girlfriend to deal with." I would have killed to go to a PG13 movie with a girl who showed any interest in me. Heck, I would have killed for just a smile. I am sure someone will say I'm overexaggerating, but of course for every broken piece of my heart I probably broke a heart myself. 

Yes, I remember a girl who seemed to like me and always teased, harassed, and followed me around, but it was really only for the show of others. I was like a pet, cute enough to show off to strangers, but not important enough to jump up on the couch. So, I made it through middle school then it happened.....

I finally found someone that I liked, it was like sparks, spent the better part of high school pursuing this young lady. Then, without going into a lot of detail, saving it for my memoir, I watched her turn out to be just another person willing to let me buy them something, but never wanting more than my pocket money. 

I can tell you that this is when I developed trust issues. I find it hard to trust anyone in this life. I could go into detail about my childhood, but why not save that and my college for another confession. 

My point on this random night is that I'm so fucked up that I'll probably die alone. I don't want to continue on such a lonely journey, but there is so much hurt in between finally finding love. 

Then again the thing we think is love is so elusive that I've probably overlooked it or had it and lost it. 

Question. If you could give love a value, what would it be? Maybe if enough people work on the formula I'll be able to solve for Y in the equation. To that girl in elementary, who thought my gifts and I were insane at the time, I'm sorry. To the girl in middle school, I forgive you for making me out to be some type of oddity for which to taunt. It is okay, we all cope in different ways. Lastly, to the only person I ever had the courage to say those three words to, I'm sorry that I didn't see in that moment that you'd never love me in the same way. I know I've told you many times I'm sorry for it all, but when you spend two years living in fantasy you tend to recount the days a lot long after it is over. 

Have you found your other half? Do I have any chance of the same success? I won't find the answer tonight....off to bed I go. Until next time......