Rare Confession #2

I haven't gotten a good night's sleep since someone came into my life years ago. I actually once thought it was a mild case of insomnia. In college, I would go days without sleeping. I'd walk the campus till about 4 or 5am then start my day as if nothing was amiss. Deep down I knew.....I know there is something still wrong. Well, I wouldn't say something is wrong, more like something is missing. 

It is very hard to think you found your companion in this life, but to ultimately be wrong. Who knows, I could actually be right and there is only a matter of time before the error of their ways becomes apparent. I don't really dwell on the love lost of the situation. I sometimes wonder if I've began to take it too hard. At first I thought, "hey good riddance to bad news." Then, I slowly went down this path of self-loathing and deep regret. 

What did I do wrong? Why couldn't they love me as much as I loved them? Was it a fantasy I made up to cope with the overwhelming reality that is rejection. Huh.....that was actually very enlightening......

People always seem to make you feel bad about having such a strong connection with a person that from their perspective doesn't seem to share the same. I would always tell my best friend that I know I'm stupid for feeling this way. I was stupid for crying real donkey tears for a person who probably never even thought twice about my feelings. I was insane for being crazy and putting stress into their life. 

Then I think about how they may have felt. What reaction would you have to a person confessing their love for you not long after meeting you? It would scare you. It was probably creep you out. They didn't run away, they politely declined the offer and stuck around. 

So what do you do when half of you heart decides to pop out of your chest. It doesn't stop beating or run away, it just survives close enough to keep you going, but far enough to watch you slowly fade away. 

Love has kept me up many nights in my life. I don't have anyone to love at the moment and haven't for a really long time. I mean a really long time. There are cobwebs where affection once resided in me. 

I think to end this night's semi-heart-breaking rant about my own losses, I will give a little advice. 

Don't let someone steal so much of you that you forget what parts are real and which parts are fantasy. You can love someone without giving them everything you've fought to be.

Time to close my eyes and hope that sleep follows.......