The Morning Walk 12/24/15
Have you ever woke up but continued to keep your eyes closed? I just laid in bed wondering if it was a good idea to get up today. You don’t have to worry, I’m not on the verge of giving up on this life. I’m too lazy to give up, it requires too much work. The problem I’m plagued with is hope. If you’ve read my story DNA, which will return with new posts in January, you’ll understand what I’m about to teach you.
I based the story loosely on my real life. I would really like to stress the word loosely. However, there are parts in the story that are more truthful than I’d ever thought when read back to myself. I’m looking back on each post and thinking maybe I shouldn’t let random strangers so far into my life, but I’d rather people not make the same mistakes. Honestly, I have continued to make the same mistake. I called it a problem earlier, but we all know that hoping for love is a big mistake.
Confession Time. I’ve never really had a solid or legitimate relationship. Shocking, I know. I never knew what people meant when it came to love until I experienced what I can only describe as it. The funny thing is that using the word love somewhat implies it is mutual. I can say unembarrassed now that it wasn’t love it was just hope. I hoped that someone would see in me what I say in them. To make a long story short, it didn’t work out as things strayed off course when I told this person those three little words. I was at the time devastated, I’m still a bit devastated to this day. I think that is where the hope comes into play.
This person who practically stole a big chunk of my person is still in my life. I’ve tried for a long time to run from their captivity, but I’m tied to my own curiosity. I’m curious to see if they’ll fall from my own good graces one day. I watched him move on to others and others and others, but still holding one of my fingers through it all. I used to think I was in limbo. I couldn’t move on because I wanted to stay available just in case. I had a plan to win him back multiple times. I even sabotaged a few of his relationships. I couldn’t stop hoping for something that was never going to happen. I started to lash out at the person I’d become after this big split. I can’t even call it a split, we were never together. I was just there. One day, I finally did move on. I became okay with the situation. I knew they weren’t able to change then and probably would always be this way. So like that first day that I got over my feelings, I got out of the bed today. I did it because somewhere down the line they’ll look up to see my elevated success, wonderful career, adorable family, and say to themselves, “I fucked up.” When you think you can’t make it through the day, first thank whichever god you decided to pray to for waking you up again this morning, then thank the one that stole your heart a long time ago. This person deserves all the credit for making you so strong to weather another day until your one true love walks through the door.
